My First Sober Birthday
Oh, what to even say. How about I cannot remember my last sober birthday? From the time I turned 21 (and even before then…shhhh don’t tell my kids;) I “enjoyed” drinking on my birthday for many years. That was before I admitted I wasn’t a “normal” drinker.
It took me years to even realize I wasn’t a normal drinker. Sure, I knew I drank more than most people I knew, but I never really thought much about it. That is, until it became a problem. Which for almost every true alcoholic, it does eventually become a problem. It just takes some people longer than others to recognize it or even admit it. But that’s a biggie—admitting you cannot drink like a regular person.
And for someone hardheaded like me, sometimes that unwillingness to admit you are powerless over something ends very badly. Luckily for me, I had enough help from God, family, and friends to convince me otherwise. I am not a stupid person. I feel the need to say that because people become so fixated on addiction being a poor, ignorant person’s problem. Or people who are just flat out losers. Rich or not. Intelligent or not. Attractive or not. Addiction happens. Luckily, so does recovery.
So, in celebrating my birthday tomorrow, I refuse to look at it as just another year older. More gray hair. Little more fat around the mid-section. Less attractive, less youthful, less whatever. Instead, I truly feel like someone who has been given a second chance. This time last year, I can tell you I was barely holding on to anything…I was miserable and sad and so, so, so very lost. My mother died from alcoholism at the age of 44 years old. My sister at 48. My father at 57. All from alcohol. I began to think that I knew how they felt at the end–without hope and willing to give up on fighting.
That’s where the will comes in. Was I willing to admit I needed help and fight or willing to do it the easy way and give up? It even crossed my mind that I would no longer be a burden to people if I did in fact give up. Maybe, somehow, lighten the load. And again, I wonder if these same thoughts entered the minds of those I loved and lost.
I am no hero. No miracle child. Far, far from it. Had I not had my faith and a boatload of people pushing me and begging me and then cheering for me–who knows where I would be today? I am one of the lucky ones.
I cannot name one single person who has not been affected by this disease. You tell me someone. A name. I bet you can’t. And, I don’t get too worked up about much these days, but when someone even hints that being an alcoholic/addict is a choice, and not a true disease, my blood boils. No, it is not the same as an unpreventable, incurable cancer. No, it is not the same as a child being born with Spina bifida or Cystic fibrosis. I am not even remotely trying to compare those things.
But you cannot watch someone die from drinking or using a needle or smoking a substance and tell me it isn’t a disease. That they are somehow misguided all by their own free will. I know what it looks like to all those “perfect people” out there who have never once ingested a fatty burger or smoked a cigarette or inhaled pot or not used sunscreen. Addiction is a disease. And it can happen to anyone. I wish that wasn’t the case–I mean that whole heartedly. But it can. It does. It did.
I have honestly not met a lot of judgmental people regarding my sobriety. And honestly if I have and am just unaware, they can eat a turd sandwich. For real. I will be happy to prepare one just for them. With the word “hypocrite” written in mustard on it. Because we are all flawed. This is true.
To be honest, I have absolutely been met with kindness, applause, gratitude, praise…and I cannot tell you how many times someone has spoken these words to me, “I really hope my (mom, brother, friend, aunt, cousin, etc.) can quit before it’s too late.” I do, too. I really do. And I am an ear if you need one. Doesn’t mean I can help or “fix” or do anything of use, but I can listen.
So, despite my son reminding me as I turn 45 tomorrow that I am just as close to being 60 as I am to being 30 (thanks to whoever taught him excellent math skills), I am so, so, so very blessed to be celebrating another birthday. Another year of life on this earth. My first sober birthday in a very long time.