Admitting You Were Wrong
I don’t know anyone who enjoys admitting they were wrong about something. Waiving that flag of surrender and swallowing that big chunk of pride. In AA, we talk often about making amends. To be quite honest, when I arrived at Gateway for rehab, I thought to myself, “Ok, I will get this drinking problem taken care of and move on with life.” Nah. Not really. That’s actually when the work is just beginning.
People think when you stop drinking, all your problems and thoughts and whatnot magically disappear. At least, that’s what I had in mind. While stopping substance abuse of any type is definitely a HUGE step in the right direction, it is just the beginning. And at first glance, it sounds like a really difficult, almost impossible process. Learning that making amends and making real change would be a lifelong process sounded quite terrifying and exhausting to be quite frank.
But you know what I am learning, it simply makes me a human. A better one than I was before. I am finding that learning to apologize and make things right whenever possible is not only a good thing to do, but it is helpful to all parties involved. People don’t like to be lied to or hurt or misled. And sometimes a few simple words make a world of difference.
There’s been a lot of talk lately in meetings about how saying “I am sorry” is not enough. And I feel that. I really do. It’s like a lame “get out of jail free” card that addicts and alcoholics way overplay. Know how many times I said “I am sorry” only to know I would continue to do whatever assheaded thing I was saying I was sorry for? To say “I was wrong” holds a different meaning. It means I have actually given thought to whatever actions or words I was using and recognizing I was wrong. It feels differently somehow.
When your child or spouse does something you don’t like and you call them on it, and they respond with an immediate, “Sorry!” Don’t you feel a little insulted? Well, that’s how I feel. When I have asked my kid for the third day in a row to simply pick up their wet towel off the floor, and an immediate “sorry” flies out of their mouth, I know they are using their automated response that sometimes calms me down.
This is no different with us making amends to others, apologizing for the big things, the little things, the whatever. Saying, “I was wrong for ________” holds more weight somehow. And honestly, it feels better to say these days than the overused “sorry” I was so accustomed to spouting out.
How people receive your amends or your “I am sorry” or your “I was wrong” is not the point. Some people may not even remember what you are apologizing for or may have already forgiven you. That really isn’t what matters. What matters is that you are owning up for past behaviors and showing through words and actions that people can change.
I don’t care how many times it has been drilled into our brains that people cannot change, I strongly disagree. It takes a hell of a lot of work, but it does happen. In making amends, you are telling others you are accepting responsibility for whatever wrong or turmoil they may have endured because of you. It often lifts a weight off of them, but it also removes an even larger weight off of you. A clear conscience is a hell of a thing. Knowing you are doing the best you can and not just offering up some fake sorry offerings. It’s just another wonderful tool that sobriety, AA, and God have given me in my toolbox of life.