Anxiety
Do you worry about worrying about things and then worry you aren’t worrying enough? It’s like that ignorant song stuck in your head on replay (even the one of current times, aptly titled “Anxiety”…if you haven’t heard it or seen the viral videos, don’t start now. It’s like a loop of insanity that will stick in your brain all day).
When I was drinking, I thought I drank to be less anxious. I think a lot of people do. Something to loosen you up, feel more comfortable in your own skin, get out of your comfort zone. But what I have come to realize is that while I was drinking to quiet my anxiety, my drinking actually increased my anxiety.
I had visited the person I loosely call my PCP (primary care physician) on multiple occasions to discuss this. I use the word “loosely” because I am a terrible patient. Rarely making appointments and finding reasons to back out at the last minute. This has nothing to do with my PCP. He is pleasant and easy to talk to. But after seeing him many times and me suggesting I needed some anxiety meds, possibly even medication for depression or a “mood leveler” so to speak, he suggested I stop drinking. I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation because A.) I don’t recall a lot of conversations from when I was drinking. And most importantly, B.) he simply wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear.
I don’t know that this was a pivotal moment in my journey to stop drinking, but I do know that the conversation left me questioning if he was right. Was I able to control my drinking? Did I find myself needing to drink? Did I think I had a problem? Well, I can pretty confidently say that no one in this world wants to admit they have a problem with anything. No one wants to be told they don’t have control over something. Whether it be your food choices, relationship choices, career path, anything. It makes us feel inadequate and sometimes foolish. And let’s be honest, no one wears those titles proudly.
I don’t have an answer to what causes others to be anxious. Is it the unknown? The what-ifs? The crazy scenarios our minds conjure up when trying to fall asleep at night? Whatever it is, have you prayed about it? Even if you are a person who is on the fence about the whole concept of God and a higher power. Can it hurt to release those worries and speak them into existence and out of your head space? I don’t see a scenario playing out where this backfires.
You don’t have to even share these things with another breathing, living, human being. Talk to your damn dog or cat. Talk to a person who was important to you before they left this world. I don’t know if the deceased hear our concerns, what’s weighing on our hearts, but I DO know it doesn’t hurt anyone or anything to continue to communicate with those people as if they were still here amongst us.
I can say that I still get anxious. I no longer try to self-medicate in some half-assed-stupid-effort to calm my nerves. And that alone takes away some of my anxiety. Knowing that I do not and will not turn to a substance for help. It’s a false-help anyway. A placebo. I hope this helps someone who is struggling with those pesky voices in their head, assuring you that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. They are wrong. Tell them they are wrong and go about your damn business. Anxiety is real, but so is the power to overcome it by talking to others (living or not), relying on a higher power you are comfortable with and facing your insecurities head on. No magic pill, no fairy Godmother, no wishing your fears away…hang in there and try to find balance between those “what ifs” and deciding whether they are worth your oh-so-valuable-time and energy.