Asking For Help
Again, a great topic was presented at a recent AA meeting. It was about asking for help. This hit home more than I had anticipated. There is a huge difference in relation to asking for help between someone in active addiction and someone who is in recovery and those who are neither of those things.
This is a hard truth to face, but when you are actively abusing a substance, you often ask for help–even cry out for help for all the wrong reasons. Money is a big one. Finances are a huge part of life for anyone living on this planet. Regardless, if income isn’t a problem per-say. Almost everyone struggles with how to spend their money, prioritizing needs and balancing the “wants” in life.
When you are married to a substance so-to-speak, the addiction becomes the reality your world revolves around. Choosing between alcohol or pills or your DOC (drug of choice) and how or if to pay the necessities in life is a real struggle for people like us (alcoholics and addicts). You simply cannot fathom life without your DOC and everything else takes a back seat. I am not here to argue that we don’t love our kids immensely or have good intentions of paying the utilities or rent, but the DOC wins. We lose.
To put it in perspective for a non-addict, it would mean not getting to enjoy dining out or a cup of coffee or ordering something online that you feel you really want or need. You might think, “I really want this___________” and I will figure out how to make the water payment later. I have a few more days to figure it out. Something will come up. I just want and deserve this (new outfit, grill, gaming system, shoes for my kid, etc.) and that’s more important in this moment than whether or not the rent gets paid. Again, I will figure that out when the time comes.
So, when someone is an active drug or alcohol abuser, they obviously need help with a lot of things–things that usually relate to monetary needs. Borrowing money to pay bills, asking someone to extend a payment due date, making your kids use their own money to pay for things that perhaps, an adult in the house should take care of. Let me say this, and I will not sugar coat it–handing an addict or alcoholic money is the same as handing them their DOC. They say they need $50 for groceries? Half of that or more is going to feed their addiction. Argue all you want. I will not back down from this. I know it because I have lived it. And if you know someone with a substance abuse problem, I can almost 100% guarantee you this is their line of thinking as well.
Everything is a crisis situation when you are addicted to a substance. Flat tire? Crisis. Power outage? Crisis. Someone being rude to you? Crisis. Someone telling you “No”. Major crisis. Drugs and alcohol are true tricksters. The world is out to get you, no one cares about you, you are a victim of everything…the list goes on and on and on. A normal person gets cut off in traffic-they get upset, and rightfully so to some extent. A customer service person rolls their eyes at you-outrage. An addict takes these things personally.
Because everything is all about them (us).
You can be the most compassionate person in the world and be kind to people and do the right things, but even when we (addicts and alcoholics) have those attributes, the focus always comes back to us. I was nice to them, and they reacted in a ‘meh’ kind of way in return. I gave them $10 for gas, and they didn’t even really thank me. I smiled at them at Wal-Mart and got nothing in return. Me, me, me. How did it make me feel?
To be quite honest, I have trouble asking for help these days. Because I feel like I used up so many “get out of jail” free cards so-to-speak when I was drinking. My “help-poor-pitiful-Lindsey” cards. Help me get my kid to and from sports events. Help me put gas in my car. Help me by listening to 800 stories about people who have wronged me. Help me by holding my hand and telling me everything will be ok (when whatever the situation is was probably created by my own doing in the first place).
To clarify, I don’t necessarily think I have trouble asking for help, but I try to be much more selective in determining when I actually need help or am just being the old Lindsey. I rarely pick up the phone anymore to shout out the injustices of the world as I see it as being against me. Out to get me. Mainly because, I no longer think that way. Also, I wore people the F out in my drinking. Don’t text me and try to be kind and tell me it’s ok. Because it isn’t. It wasn’t. I never called to see how your day was. Sure, I probably inquired but hurried along to my main point of the call which was to bitch and piss and moan about things that I probably had some control over but couldn’t see it in my drunken haze.
So, in asking for help from others or vice versa, it is ok to ask for help. Especially if it concerns major life decisions like quitting drinking or whatever big thing is making your life “less than”. It is also ok to give help. But there is an enormous difference between being a doormat and being a support system. Particularly those who struggle with addiction (gambling, booze, drugs, whatever it is), it is important to determine how you can best help without being taken advantage of.
My personal advice is to never hand anyone money if you even suspect there is a problem with addiction. Your brother needs help paying his water bill-offer to go pay it for him. Your daughter needs groceries-go buy them. If they get upset or angry by this, you have your answer right there. You were being bamboozled for lack of a better word. It sucks. It’s uncomfortable. But by feeding someone’s addiction, you are what is called an enabler. Because that’s exactly what you are doing–enabling. What a terrible word. I would compare it to being called a victim. Because by being an enabler (knowingly or not) you are the victim of a loved one. And that’s a hard truth to face. But it is also something that won’t stop until someone in its path intentionally puts a stop to it.