Don’t Be a Bully

I started to write this with the intentions of using the title “Hurt People Hurt People.” But then I got to thinking. While I do believe this is true, I don’t feel well versed in the psychology behind it. So, I am using what I know instead.

Everyone has suffered at the hands of a bully in their life. Whether it be minor teasing or major life changing things. I would like to say that I am not guilty of bullying myself, but I am sure somewhere along the way, someone might have taken my words or actions as bullying, so I am not claiming any kind of sainthood here.

We see stories in the news and on social media all the time about children taking their own lives because someone was so torturous to them. It breaks my heart every single time. Adults do this too, but in my experience, it is usually a combination of events like the stress of work and family obligations, money, etc. And then some mean soul just breaks the last straw so to speak.

This is not a story of suicide. While that can be a real result of bullying, the moral of this story is just to simply be kind. Don’t make someone’s life less than because you are feeling less than. It doesn’t build you up. Make you happy. Help you rest easy at night. It eats away a piece of your humanity, too. Whether you realize it or not.

When I was in nursing school, we were taught, “Nurses eat their young.” And they were not exaggerating. I cannot say this only exists in the adult world of nursing, but it exists in other fields as well. I am now a waitress, and man, other servers will pounce at the chance to make a co-worker look stupid. It’s just so unnecessary and petty. Why do you belittle someone when they are doing the best they can? Maybe their best doesn’t look like your best, but that’s not the point. People are people. And people need kindness and patience and some compassion for crying out loud.

This is on my mind, so I am sharing it without using names. My daughter has a bully. We have been through this at various times in her life. She battles it like a trooper. A silent one that shrugs it off and says it doesn’t bother her. I know it does. It can’t NOT bother you when people are so unkind.

For those of you who may not know my daughter, she has had a lot of minor troubles in life. Some physical disabilities. She wears hearing aids (let me clarify, she is supposed to wear her hearing aids) but as a teenager sometimes “forgets she needs them“. She has had several surgeries on her ears. She has had tutors and 504 plans in schools to help her with some fine motor skills and accommodations to allow her to sit up front in the classroom due to poor eyesight and hearing disabilities. As a high school student, you want to sit anywhere but up front, so she probably sees this as an inconvenience and not an accommodation. We have had some great luck with most of her teachers and faculty in her time at school. I am so grateful for that.

We held her back and didn’t let her start school when she was supposed to. Everyone told me that we’d never regret waiting but would regret starting her too early. And they were absolutely right. So, now she will be entering her senior year as an 18-year-old. I already told her not to be buying cigarettes for her friends, and she looked at me like I had grown horns. She is not me as a high school student. I have to remember that.

We had a situation recently where we went to the ER. As a former nurse, and anyone who knows me, we do not venture to the ER unless something is dangling off your body. Unless we have a severed arm, or a partial decapitation has occurred. But she was showing all the signs of a possible gallbladder or appendix pending rupture, so I was off work and decided to take her. It’s a longer story, but she was fine. We resolved the situation before she even saw a doctor and then headed home.

Point is, while we are waiting in the ER, this mean girl from school was texting my daughter horrible things. Yes, she is 18. Yes, she is naive. Yes, she is kind to a fault. And this girl has zeroed in on all these things. So, this mean girl is texting my daughter (mean girl is at school, daughter hunched over in pain in the ER). These words are not mine, so please forgive me, but I need you to see how painful this was for a mother to read. “Hey. Everyone knows you are a retard. What kind of idiot is 18 and in high school? Everyone thinks you are a stupid ass loser.” It went on, but I won’t share.

Old drinking Lindsey would have lost her absolute shit and called the kid’s parents, the principal, every other parent I know, and God only knows what else I would have done. Instead, I did what I have learned, and I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Without talking through gritted teeth like I normally would, I calmly asked what the story was. To keep it simple, the girl doesn’t like her. Period. That’s it. No big revelation. The girl is a bully.

When I was sure I was capable of having a productive, adult conversation with someone, I phoned the school and kindly asked one of the powers that be to have a discussion with the child and try to end this. Or at least “halt it until summer when they won’t cross paths for a while” were my exact words. And they assured me they would. In my drinking days, my daughter and I both would have been in tears, mainly her begging me not to act a fool. And she wouldn’t have been correct in those fears.

I don’t want this to be a story of how I am handling life better without alcohol. It is primarily about how my relationships with people have changed. Most importantly, the ones within the confines of my own home. We feed off one another’s energy. I lose my shit; it does no good. If Eli and I can’t keep it together when things go sideways, how to we expect our children to do so?

I don’t want to go hug this bully or be her friend. I don’t want to have a heart to heart with her parents. I am not going to resolve anything by doing that. It sounds nice in theory, but from my life experiences, I have learned often times, people learn from what they have seen and end up becoming what they didn’t want to become. I did that for years with my alcoholism. My guess is this child is using what she knows to be true in her own life. Better to be a bully and defend yourself before you are the one that gets hurt.

In the meantime, remember that it is never wrong to be kind. Don’t be afraid to appear shallow or stupid. Be kind to people who are unkind. You don’t have to go out of your way but just be you and walk away. Let people think you are naive. They don’t have to live with your conscience. You do. That’s what matters when you go to bed every night. Was I kind today? I rest much easier when I know I have been kind in situations where it would have been much easier or convenient to be hurtful. At the end of the day, you have to live with how you handle life’s situations. Choose wisely. Choose kindness.