Forgiveness

We discussed forgiveness tonight in our AA meeting. And I am really glad we did. Sometimes I forget the importance of forgiveness. Both of myself and of others.

Let me say this, and I am sorry if the truth hurts. My sister had a knack for marrying jerks. This is a much nicer word than the one I used in the meeting tonight. I think of these men often for whatever reason. How they enabled her drinking. How they could never tell her no. How they didn’t protect her from herself and her drinking. But you know how much my anger bothers them? My guess is zilch. Zero. Never enters their tiny little brains. They’ve moved on with life without her, and I am allowing them to eat up good space in my head. Taking up room, free of charge.

My anger and resentment and frustration with these people do nothing to help me. Or anyone else for that matter. If anything, it hurts me. And that pisses me off even more. By me dwelling on the past and their ignorance and love of my sister (to a fault), it hinders my progress in my own recovery.

Forgiveness is a hard thing to wrap my head around sometimes. My parents. The people who should have been my protectors. The people who should have done absolutely anything for me. Forgiving them has been a huge part in my recovery. But it is something I struggle with. And I am not embarrassed to admit that. I have to know that their actions and lives do not define me. It is hard to forgive those who are no longer living on this earth. But I think prayer and trust in God is probably a safe bet.

Drinking didn’t make me forget or forgive them. If anything, it propelled my anger. Gave it a much un-needed boost. I spent so much time being angry. And you know how far that got me? Just far enough to pour myself another drink. And I don’t think forgetting is the answer either. It is important to remember where you came from, and in my case, who I came from. It helps connect some dots and answer some questions as to why and how people use negative coping mechanisms.

I am happy that I no longer have to worry about wanting a drink. Needing a drink. Sobriety has given me so much more. Bad days are just that, bad days. Not Earth shattering like they are when you are unstable and adding a substance to fuel the fire. Good days are awesome. Not some blurry, half-assed fuzzy memory of awesome. They are clear and calm. And wonderful.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to do on your own. For me, a good support system is necessary. God is necessary. I can tell you that forgiving others is like lifting an enormous, soul-crushing weight off your shoulders. It’s almost selfish. You forgive, and you reap the benefits. Half the people I have ever been pissed at don’t even realize I was mad in the first place. So, sometimes forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Hope this helps someone out there struggling with forgiving someone. My granny always said “Holding a grudge is like holding a hot coal in your hand. You are the one who gets burned.”