More, More, More

Is this the way you think about life? Always wanting more? For me, it was not only with addiction but with just about anything. More money. More time. More things. And drinking was no different.

You know those people who can pick up a beer or a margarita and have a conversation? Slowly sipping on whatever they are partaking in. Me: thinking, what the hell are you doing? Hurry up so I don’t feel guilty about being on my third drink already.

We all remember Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka, right? She wanted whatever she wanted and wanted it right then and there. Well, that was me. Zero patience. With just about anything you can think of. Like I was constantly crawling out of my skin waiting for whatever I wanted to happen…to well, hurry up and happen already.

I cannot say we all don’t feel this way at times. Like a kid on Christmas Eve, impatiently waiting for sleep to carry us away and deliver us into the next morning. And it’s ok to have these moments from time to time, but to live in that constant state of wanting more is a self-made prison. A holding cell where the sunlight never fully shines on you. You may catch glimpses of it momentarily, but it always fades too quickly. Once the “high” of whatever you’ve been wishing for happens and wears off, here you are again. Restless and wanting more of something, whatever that something is in your case.

Family vacations. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but I get so friggin’ excited to go anywhere for any amount of time and stay in a hotel or to just be away from home. It’s like a tiny adventure from reality. But you know what else I do (to myself)? I start dreading the end of the vacation before it even begins. Never able to just live in the moment. By the time we arrive at our destination, I am already counting down how many days or hours until we return home. Back to work and laundry and all the things. Why do I do this to myself?

I always had a problem with living in the moment. I don’t really have a good, solid answer as to why. Maybe it’s something from childhood. Maybe it’s knowing good things sometimes don’t last. But one would think that would make me bask in the good times instead of wasting them away by wishing for more.

Regardless, I have found contentment in sobriety. Sure, I get impatient. I do want good times to last longer than they should. I think that’s part of having a beating heart and being human.

I always thought being content sounded so boring. So mundane. But now, I have come to realize to appreciate every moment. I may not always stop and appreciate the moment while in the midst of it, but I can usually reflect and find some positive meaning. In the good or the bad. I mean, in all honesty, we wouldn’t appreciate all the good we are surrounded by if we didn’t have to persevere through the bad.

“Having more does not keep you from wanting more. And if you always want more – to be richer, more beautiful, more well known – you are missing the bigger picture, and I can tell you from experience, happiness will never come.”

Mitch Albom