Regrets

The general definition of regret is: a feeling of sadness or being disappointed (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

So, what do we do with these feelings? In AA, we make amends. To those we have harmed or wronged regardless of whether it was directly, indirectly, intentional or unintentionally. My question is how do you go about doing this?

And this is not a rhetorical question, meaning one I know the complete answer to. I am being completely open and honest and welcoming of any input. The obvious answer is to put on your big girl pants and make a phone call or actually see someone face to face and apologize. Gulp. This can be intimidating. At least, I find it to be.

What if they don’t accept? What if they don’t believe you have changed? Or don’t believe you are truly sorry–a half-assed attempt to make yourself feel better. These are all plausible outcomes. And given what you have done or who you have been in the past, can you blame someone for doubting your sincerity? I don’t.

It’s like when a kid does something they know they aren’t supposed to do, and their parent makes them apologize. A quick, “Sorry!” and then they continue playing or whatever. A forced apology. No real time to think or even care about what they are apologizing for. Adults do this, too. And if you are a repeat offender–for example, constantly apologizing for the same thing (no matter how little or how big) an apology can actually be a little insulting.

So, I know it’s unhealthy to sit and stew on your regrets. The simplest way I can think of to help resolve some of these feelings of regret is to live in a way that shows you can change. We always hear people can’t change, but I don’t fully agree with that. Maybe at our very core, some things remain the same. But our actions and words and behaviors can change. Even if it’s a slight change. That’s progress, right? And I see nothing wrong with that. A move in the right direction.

Having regrets is something we all have faced at some point in our lives. Whether it be not showing enough love to someone who is now no longer with us, being hurtful to someone when we could have been kind, not helping a friend in need when they needed a friend in the worst way.

I guess in how we move forward and model for others is a good, safe bet. Being kind when someone is seen as undeserving of kindness. Listening to someone who has worn out everyone else’s listening ears. Lending a helping hand when others are tired of loaning their own precious time and resources. I have been on both ends of these scenarios. I have been the one who is tired of helping, tired of listening to the same old sob stories. I have also been the one who wore everyone out with my own sob stories and crying out for help more times than necessary.

By showing kindness and compassion and patience, I think this somehow helps “reduce” our regrets or make up for them in some way. I am not sure this is the answer, but at this moment in time, that’s where I am. I cannot physically or mentally handle reaching out all at once in making amends and trying to patch up every regret I have in life. But I think by helping others, it is not only a genuine attempt to help someone else who is struggling, but it is also a gift to myself to ease some of the burden of past regrets.