Seeing Yourself in Others
We all like to see our children and those around us acting in ways we find loving or kind. When someone says something to the effect of “I learned by watching you” in a positive manner, it makes us feel good about ourselves. When you see your child say “please” and “thank you” or opening the door for someone without being prompted to do so, it makes us feel good. Seeing a little bit of own life lessons shining through with tiny glimpses of these interactions.
What I have found in sobriety is that when I see someone acting in a way I dislike…I can almost 1000% of the time relate it back to a way I acted when I was drinking heavily. As in, I am seeing something in that person that reminds me a way I once acted. We often dislike actions and reactions from others when it sparks something we once saw (or even currently see) in ourselves.
I am finding new challenges in sobriety related to this. When I see or hear someone acting in what I now view as a less than desirable way, I have to remember not that long ago, I was doing a lot of the same things. When someone acts entitled or like everyone else in the room is at fault for something that is clearly their own self-made problem, I have to keep myself in check.
I blamed a lot of people for problems and situations I created or at least had a very heavy hand in helping create. I would be lying if I said that I currently do not find these situations extremely frustrating when I recognize others doing the same thing. I want to shake the shit out of the person and tell them to look in the mirror and do some much-needed self-examination. That won’t fix anything. It didn’t fix me when people tried those tactics with my actions and behaviors.
Being self-centered is at the very core of every addict (drugs, booze, sex, gambling, whatever). Regardless of intentions, good deeds, acts of kindness, whatever you see as being a more selfless person…a person with a substance abuse problem always has their own best interest in the front of their mind. Or what they unrealistically see as their best interest.
Think about it. Think about anyone you’ve encountered with a problem with addiction of any kind. Now, for a very brief moment, look beyond whatever good you see in them (no lingering–that’s not the point). At their very core, why are they doing the things they are doing and who do those things serve? Points back to how they will benefit in the end, right?
I am not sharing this to shame anyone or point fingers. Hell, if anything, I am pointing the finger at me. Do shitty things–make up for them by doing good things. The checks and balance don’t work that way, but they do to us (at least an addict/alcoholic) thinks they do. So, what’s the answer? I don’t know to be fully honest.
Lashing out and screaming at someone for being a self-centered asshole doesn’t solve anything (don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind to be brutally honest). Ignoring them? Maybe. Minding my own business? Maybe. Praying? Definitely. For now, I think that’s the safest best bet.
You cannot fix someone who cannot see they need some fixing. That’s why AA emphasizes on admitting you are powerless (in my case, over alcohol). For others, it could be jealousy or grudges or blaming others or holding onto resentments. I hold some of those same character traits as well, but I have found in sobriety, I can see them more clearly. Recognize them when they creep into my head.
Before sobriety, I never really recognized those feelings or character defects. Acknowledging them is a major step in the right direction. Before, I didn’t even remotely have that basic tool of identifying and acknowledging what I was thinking or feeling or how it was affecting me or anyone around me.
I would be a bold face liar if I said that I don’t feel a little bit of angst toward people I see acting in ways I did in the past. But if I can remember how hard I have fought and continued learning so that I don’t have to live that way anymore, I am more open to helping someone else in the future. I may not fully be there just yet, but I feel like I am evolving into someone who can recognize those character defects in others not as an annoyance but as something I can relate to and possibly be of assistance with in the foreseeable future.