What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

This quote by John Lennon has stuck with me for some time now. I found it especially interesting when I left rehab and returned home. Here goes, “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

Wow. Just wow. Isn’t that the truth? We all think about being doctors and cops and firefighters and all the things we see as mini-real-life superheroes when we are young. We look up to these people. See them as all-knowing and powerful and brave. And they can be those things. But are they happy? Now, that’s another level of maturity to consider that when you think about what you want to be when you grow up.

I joke with my tables (livin’ that waitress dream) all the time about my adventures in nursing and now as a waitress (I leave out my love of writing–it’s just something I don’t feel the need to promote or brag about during my day job). But I always tell them that I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Old people love jokes like that. It’s cute. And hell, if it helps my tips increase, I will continue to tell it. But it’s not a lie, really.

I think we are all evolving at every moment in our lives. We don’t always see it. But small changes are being made. You slowly become more tolerant of someone who use to really get under your skin. You smile for no reason or because a funny thought popped in your head. You learn a new cooking skill by accident or via Dr. Google. We are amazingly evolving all the time. Unknowingly.

As your children grow, you learn that what worked for you in youth doesn’t necessarily work for them at this moment in time. Evolving. Standing on your head and seeing things differently. As parents or as someone who is involved with youth in any capacity, it is easy to say things like “because I said so” or “that’s just the way it is”. But it’s not that simple. Your children don’t walk in the same shoes you did as a child. Different times and different challenges bring about a need for us to see things differently, too.

My kids sometimes speak in a language I don’t know and don’t understand. I am learning calling someone “Sigma” means the person thinks they are cool or badass. But it’s used as a smartass term in my house. My kids are like, “Oh mom, you’re so sigma.” What in the actual hell are you saying? Speak English, dammit. Of course, being the wise-ass I am, I respond with, “Oh, so I am super cool? Great thanks. I already knew that.” Cue the eye-rolling of my teenage children.

My kids were not happy when I was drinking. Neither was I. It’s like a cancer that spreads throughout the entire home and follows you wherever you go. There is no cure for cancer much like there is no cure for addiction. I hope in my lifetime that a cure for cancer is found. Some of the most special people in my life have been affected by this. I can almost say with certainty anyone reading this has experienced this as well. Same with addiction.

The key is, at least for me in this moment in time, is finding happiness in simple things. Big things are good, too. But you can’t depend on the next big awesome thing to happen in order to be happy. And I think that’s what I was wanting in my drinking. Instant happiness. Short lived, but nice in that instant. We are a society of immediate gratification. Texting. Social Media. Email. Whatever. We need a response or a “like” or an emoji immediately or we go into panic mode.

That’s a big problem not only with addicts, but it is a giant problem with humans in general. We have become so accustomed to things happening quickly and without any anticipation. We grow impatient so quickly. We do this with work. With our relationships. With our children. With everything. We have become a society of Prime shipping and one-day delivery. Life doesn’t work that way. We have lost the things our parents and grandparents taught us about patience being a virtue and “good things come to those who wait”.

I waited and watched for happiness for most of my life. But the thing is, it’s always been there. It’s always around you. You just have to learn to recognize happiness in the smallest of places. In the greeter’s smile at Wal-Mart. In the small child holding a kite. In the person who tells you to have a nice day. It doesn’t have to be a mind-blowing-explosive-experience to up your level of happiness. You just have to learn to quit making life so damn complicated. Don’t lower your expectations. Just increase your awareness of what is staring you in the face every day.

Thank God for helping you get out of bed and into the shower for work. Some people so desperately want to do just that and cannot. Be grateful you have people in your life (the number of them doesn’t matter) that love you. Give praise for new days and new opportunities, no matter how small they may seem. What I want to be when I grow up is happy. And that’s honestly my wish for everyone. There’s plenty of “happy” to go around.